Tonbara Joshua Komonibo
(August 9, 1987 – December 10, 2002)
The autopsy report revealed Concentric Left Ventricular Myocardial Hypertrophy and Reactive Airway Disease. I do not care what the odds of survival is for the incidence of this type of heart condition. I know that my TeeJay was strong and with God’s help, would have beaten the odds. He could have so easily fallen on the field while playing soccer but he beat it for days before it took its toll. “Thank you son, for not collapsing on the field.” Although I feel bad that it happened in his own room in his parent’s house, I am grateful to God that he did not die on the street from gang fight, or from gunshot or from drug overdose or from the hands of a murderer or …
My anger is in not having a chance to fight for my son. I didn’t have a chance to do my best to save my precious child from his heart. He didn’t have a chance to save himself either. Tonbara was the last person anyone would have suspected to have a weakness in the heart. He never exhibited any form of weakness. No sign, no warning! He played like he had a lion’s heart. This makes it all the more painful. To think that only a chest pain or a decrease in his activity level would have been enough to indicate his heart condition or a respiratory problem and therefore, a timely intervention!
I am not sure how this knowledge from the autopsy report is expected to make me feel but I know I feel almost as I did that day I found his body without his spirit – the fateful December 10, 2002. TeeJayKay, I miss you so much it is almost tangible. It is hard to project into a future without you. But you have no worries now. You are safe in God’s hands. That is my only consolation right now. It is now up to those of us still alive to be as faithful so that we will also enter into our rest when the time comes.
If you were given a choice to live on earth with an illness or be in heaven with your Lord and Savior, what would it be? Sincerely? I would too but if I thought of the people I would leave behind, maybe… Your Daddy calls such choices “delicious dilemma”. Anyway, that is only a wishful thinking because no one ever gets to choose whether to stay here or leave for our final home. I wish I had been given a warning!!!
My Son TeeJay
It is not getting any easier for your mom. It seems like only yesterday since that fateful morning of December 10, 2002 when you quietly slipped away from us. . The wound is still very raw. I try to be realistic that it is over for me as your Mom on this side of heaven, but even the very thought is excrutiating. I have tried to be rational but that exercise alone aches my heart. What should I do? What does God expect of me?
I am still waiting for the “deliverance” promised to those who are faced with sorrow and sadness. Could they be talking about death also? If so what kind of deliverance would mend this brokem bottle – the water is already spilled and the bottle shattered into a million fragments. should I expect another type of deliverance?
I am not doing very well at this grieving thing. I have “seen” suffering in my life but nothing prepared me for this. It tears my heart into shreds and sometimes I wonder how the heart manages to keep on functioning.
Does it sound like I am grieving like those who have no hope? No. I know that I will see you again. It could be tonight, the next minute, or year or decade but right now, I can’t see you. I miss you so much, my TeeJayJay.
I have my moments. Some days I am full of faith talk – God is sovereign, God is still God; All things work together for good to them that love God, etc, etc. Other days, no scripture penetrates the dark shield of sorrow. I know the Lord is present even at those times.
A friend of mine said jokingly that I was disturbing you. I seem to be calling you or talking to you most of the day. When I feel overwhelmed, I would scream your name and try to “command” you to come back here. You used to listen to me. I can’t remember any occasion that you disobeyed me. But right now, even if you wanted, you could not obey your dear mum.
I love you. I still claim to have five beautiful children but one has gone ahead to heaven. We will join later. So long, Son. I love you.
Written on 03/19/03 (67 days after)